A Long Hot Summer Just Passed Me By....

Hello my fair droogs. Indeed! It has been a while since your humble narrator has put fingers to keys. But time for slumber is over and the need to speak up is upon me once again.

Lets see.......there has been so much to speak about. Not quite sure where to begin. I completed chemo and radiation, then a short break of several weeks, major surgery, another short break to recover and now its back to chemo for five months. Yes, you read that correctly, chemo everyday, for five months. Needless to say I won't be returning to work anytime soon. And with the baseball and Formula One season's both nearly over, I can only look forward to Spring. That magical time of year when all things change and waken anew. Hopefully, I too shall awaken anew. Changed in body, spirit and strength.

During my first break, just before surgery, Bugsy and I took flight to the mid-west to see family. It was quite a time. Just me and my boy for 4 weeks. We did so many things I could hardly list them all here. But the highlights were a helicopter ride in down town St Louis, beating the undefeated Austin in a game of Horse Shoes, taking a tour of IU's new football facilities and even a foot high pie! In fact there were many pie's. Four weeks to finally eat all the things my body would not allow before. And with my sister and her daughter Ciara's cooking, I was able to put back on a few pounds. Ten pounds I think it was - in just four weeks! We had a great time and it was good for Bugsy to see his Aunts, Uncles, Grandma and oodles of cousins that he hasn't seen since he was 4 years old. He went from having never been on a commercial airplane to 6 airplanes and a helicopter ride! Before we got there, my sisters family wrote down a list of all the things we could choose to do during our stay. A list of over 30 things! We did them all and even managed to add to the list!

Upon our return, it was time to face the fact that surgery was just around the corner and the possibility that I might very well end up with less parts than when I went in.

I was told that the surgery was a major success. The tumor completely removed and the cancer had not spread too far beyond what was expected. The six days in hospital that followed were a complete nightmare! Reflecting back now it's quite funny actually. Would make a great Peter Sellers movie.

On about the second or third night of my recovery, I was in a very blissful coma thanks to the makers of Demerol. During this brief moment of joy one of the nurses comes in the room to install a new IV bag on the pole next to me. Now I don't know for sure, but I would reckon that a full bag of IV fluid weights about 3-4 pounds. While enjoying this most enjoyable and rare moment of peace, the nurse proceeds to drop the full IV bag from about 7 feet up in the air and landing directly, of all places, on the staples that are trying to hold my stomach together! YES - a mere 48 hours earlier I had a four hour surgery that was closed with 27 staples and of all places for her to drop the IV - she finds her target with stunning precision. She could not have done a better job had she used a Norton Bomb site from a B-17! The 97th Bomber Group would have marvelled at her accuracy! The pain was so severe I promptly proceeded to vomit. A true story I'm afraid. From that night forward I learnt to sleep with one eye open.

There were, it seems, a series of events that would have given Chuck Jones a never ending supply of cartoon follies to write about. Another perticular moment [this is funny as hell now, but at the time... not so much!] involves a 2 pound bag of shit, gravity and a MAJOR disastor! But seeing how this is a family show I think it best that I save that one for another time.

So for now I will close with a thank you to everyone for their love and support. I hope to keep writing and I look forward to reading any comments you might have.

Until then.......

It Just Came To Pieces In My Hands

Too tired to think, let alone write something even remotely clever.

The treatments got me down today. I hurt all over and I can't sleep due to today's chemo.

For those of you who are asking for some tunes besides Weller.............I added The Style Council [Hah!]

Heavy Soul

Some new tunes....I thought it time to rip up the pages.

Enjoy!

Yesterday was expected to be my last dose of chemo via an IV. However, after meeting with Herr Doktor, he has decided to add (1) more round next Friday. This is because I still have, including today, 12 more rounds of Radiation and he wants to continue with the IV until the completion of Radiation.

As of July 7 I should be done with both chemo and radiation. Then, a 6 weeks stay until surgery can be scheduled around the last week of August. This I am dreading like nothing else I have ever encountered in my life. It's not the actual surgery I'm concerned with. It's the coming to grips with the fact that I will be without, what I feel, is a critical part of my body - MY ARSE! for the remainder of my life. HEAVY HEAVY stuff.

So at this point I am just counting the days until I can get off these hard core treatments. Then I will have at least 6 weeks to deal with the life long effects of surgery.

I have informed my boss that starting next Monday I will need to take time off from work, until further notice. I tried but, at this point, my body simply refuses to cooperate. I wanted to continue working so as to keep as normal of a life as possible, not to mention the financial impact of having the sole provider of a family of six without an income! But this is where my body is at at the moment and I have to accept it and deal with it as best as possible.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. A very Happy Fathers Day Dad.....and to all the [worthy] Fathers out there!

With much love and thanks for your continued support and prayers for our family.

C

This is a very special guest post by my oldest daughter Ashlin......

I don't know what to really write here besides life isn't fair sometimes. Me and my family have gone through allot in the past few short months. Struggles i didn't think would ever happen to us. But it is what it is and all we can do is take it in and work with it. I believe God has a reason for everything. He has a certain plan for each and everyone of us. And right now , this is his plan for us. My Dad got sick , for a reason. We don't know what that is. But God knows and he'll bring us all through it. You cant get through anything without the FAITH in God or the love of your family. No matter what happens you got to look past it and get through it TOGETHER. A family isn't an individual thing , its all of us put together. Blood is thicker than water. We just got to pray together and be strong together and everything will be okay. If everything isn't okay at the end , than its not the end. I love my family and would do anything for them. I know well get through this together. I love you Dad.


"Anything is possible if you have faith."
"If God puts us through it than he'll get us through it."

Ein Herzliches Willkommen

Here is a blog I've been writing., it's been so long in the making, I hope it's worth all the waiting.................

I find that more and more time passes between post. Something to be expected really, but I wish wasn't so. Therefore I humbly apologize, as I know your all on the edge of your seat, daily, waiting and praying for a new post!

Lets see.....I was last on about starting my chemo pills and radiation with the IV about to start. Yes. Well yesterday was in fact my 5th IV dose and it's not getting any easier I can tell you that.

Here's The Good News: (i know, I can't stop nicking lyrics!) I only have 1 more IV to go, next week. Then, so I'm told, I will be on holiday for 5-6 weeks with no radiation or chemo! Then they will take more test and determine if they want to go straight into surgery or another round of chemo & radiation. Me, I'm hoping to awaken from this nightmare and find it is all a bad, yes very bad dream.

Of late I had a chest port catheter inserted just over a week ago. An out patient procedure that was done, in the nick of time, for me to rush out of the operating room to Ashy's graduation! Then a quick dash back for a dose of radiation.

The next 3 days I found myself in hospital due to a fever of 104f! Not much fun until the Deloted kicked in - then it was nothing but a party! And some new Weller bootlegs thanks to my good mate Carl in Lincolnshire, UK (who has supplied your humble narrator with some of my most beloved disks). During my stay they found out that my newly inserted chest port was malfunctioning and that it would need replacing, so another 30 hours of fasting and a new port was installed.

A lot, I mean a boat load of things are taking place at the moment. My gaf is like a bee hive with a new swarm every 5 minutes. Thank god my Mum is here to help out. Poor thing. She has spent most of her vacation baby sitting the kids and myself. Including a 12 hour ER visit!

ShellB got to take Ashy to see The Offspring at Irvine Meadows. VIP AAA passes included courtesy of the band and best friend Connie (we love you Constance! - sorry I was unable to attend). So now at least with the kids out of school, Ashlin graduating and my chemo & radiation about to go on break for a few weeks, It looks like there is some potential for things to slow down and, hopefully, get back to some sort of normalcy. We'll see.

I've changed & added some new tunes so be sure to have your speakers on otherwise you'll miss some good ones. I hope to locate my copy of LB and the Dirty Girls doing Everybody's Got Something To Hide Accept For Me And My Monkey!

[Please be sure to become a follower and leave a comment below any post - you don't need to be a member or sign up, you wont get spam or even notified of new post. It's just a way of tracking who's pretending to be paying attention]

Until next time be good my little droogs..............................

HB

Everybody's Got Something To Hide, Except For Me And My Monkey

It's been awhile since I last posted. I've not had much to say, still don't really.

I started taking my Chemo in pill format and I had my first dose of radiation yesterday. Today I expect to hit the mother load! Chemo pills twice a day, radiation and my first chemo IV! Would prefer some Bombay Sapphire, Noilly Pratt and a few olives.

My days are usually filled with a 4:30AM alarm clock, chemo pills chased by numerous cups of coffee and a fight with my body to get moving and out the door for work by 6:00AM. Last week, I'm happy to say, I won the battle every day. This week I lost on almost every occasion! Radiation follows at 3:15PM along with an IV injection of chemo, once a week.

I hope your enjoying the tunes I loaded. Some of my fav's.....and since I've got to head out for more treatment....I'll leave you to enjoy them.

For now, at least, all the test, poking and prodding are over. Catscan, Colonoscopy, X-Ray, MRI, endless blood work, catheters & PET-CT scan's. The doctors agree. It's time to move forward with treatment.

Sometime this week I will be starting a Chemotherapy cocktail consisting of daily doses of Xeloda with a snort of Eloxatin and a Radiation Highball chaser. I have to say, I just love their websites! People, nearly double my age, standing tall and proud. Wind blowing in their hair [?]. Happy as a pig in shit. I'm forced to wonder why I have been dreading it. After all, mouth sores, vomiting, nausea, difficulty swallowing, hair loss and "abnormal tongue sensations" (my personal favorite) can't be all that bad can they? Like I told my doctor........"Your going to drug me and put a camera up my ass?........sounds like my last trip to Vegas!.....Will there be any farm animals?". I can't help but think this trip, although memorable, won't be as much fun.

Now that the pessimist within me has had his say, I will try to move on.

There's a boat load of things for me to be grateful for. My family, friends and loved ones. I've stopped smoking after 20+ years. I have a great job that has brought new and trusted friends. God. And yes. Believe it or not. I am grateful that I have these meds available to me, not to mention the doctors and medical insurance.

I've been told that Chemo & Radiation should be about 5 weeks, with surgery to follow, providing everything works out as planned. I'm anxious to get started with one exception........ My oldest, Ashlin, graduates high school June 3rd and I'll be damned if I'm gonna miss her graduation. Tuesday we meet with the Oncology Department to review our game plan. I think there might be a delay until June 4th.

Ashlin. I love you and I could not be prouder than to call you MY DAUGHTER.

Happy Mothers day Mum. I love you!

Hello San Francisco!

I nicked that from the opening track to Peter Framptons fantastic album Frampton Comes Alive! Recorded (mostly) in San Franciso (couldn't resist).


April 15, 2009 marks the 12th anniversary of me and my misses.

Wow 12 years! It goes by so fast, yet again, it seems like forever that she has stood steadfast by my side. She has in fact been there since 1983. It wasn't until 1997 that I was, finally after much begging, able to convince her to make it official. But that's a love story for another occasion so I will stop, quickly, before I spoil the plot.

This year we were graced with 5 nights in San Francisco. What a great city. I'm re missed in remembering what an absolute gem of a city it is. The various cultures, the great sights and most of all the people! Yes, I do believe that, in years to come, good lord willing, we shall remember the people most of all. Not that we got to know any of them completely. After all, how well can you know someone after only 6 days? But it was their genuine graciousness that I'm sure will stand the test of time, to even my poor memory.

There are simply too many highlights to list. The dinners, the view from our hotel, oh that view. The walks up and down China Town and the Financial District. Joel, the concierge's concierge! Cosmin the bartender. Bumping into Paul Weller as I listened to his album HEAVY SOUL on my ModPod just hours before his show. Then there was the meeting of old friends for the very first time - ModJerry and Adlervan.

There were some tears and fears as we tried to forget, but knew in the back of our minds, that a full-on attack of the cancer that's contained within me, must be faced head on upon our immediate arrival back home. One can pretend, for only so long, that it doesn't exist before an innocent reminder brings the weight of it's reality crashing, heavily, back upon one's shoulders.

So now it's time to face Chemo, Radiation and at minimum 2 surgeries. But these are my cards (a full house I must admit) and I know that we will face each daily challenge head on. No matter how difficult the days ahead become, I will look back at my 12th wedding anniversary with great love for both the city and my bride!

Today is the day ShellB and I have to speak to our children about my cancer. To this point their knowledge has been very limited. They know only what we have told them thus far, and what their wondering minds have created. It will be a difficult time for us all I'm sure.

I recall a very trying time years ago when I first got my pilots license. A wise man, who I love dearly and respect more than anyone, suggested that ShellB and I sit down and write a letter to each of our kids in the event that something were to happen to us. He obviously didn't have much faith in my piloting skills! Whenever I'm facing a difficult task I reflect on how hard it was to write those letters. I liken today's event to be similar in nature.

As You Lean Into The Light

Gentle Rain, here it comes again ratteling round your window....threatening pain.

The Joy of Ignorance

April 2, 2009 is the end of my life as I've know it. After nearly 42 years of joy, sadness, love, hurt, euphoria & pain its over. Done. Finished. Kaput. It's odd really. Just over a week ago my wife and I were dining at our favorite Italian joint, Miceli's, enjoying a legendary restaurant, chatting with Charlie and owner Dave Miceli. Then, rather quickly, an impromptu stay at the Standard off the strip. Up till 4am enjoying the suite and the balcony. Oh yes, the balcony. Thank you very much Mrs. Bollocks! But I digress. I've rambled on and gotten completely off the point. Something I have often done, and no doubt, will certainly do again. So I ask, most humbly my dear droogs, that you bare with me when I relapse.



Having known people with various sorts of cancer, over the years, they have come up with a clever way of defining their lives into two seasons.... Pre-Cancer & Post-Cancer. For me April 1, 2009 will be the last day of my Pre-Cancer life. Yes, April Fool's Day. Having been a jokester my entire life, some will, almost certainly, say how appropriate! Now there is no way of knowing exactly when I became cancerous. Cantankerous?......now that's easy, July 8, 1967. Cancerous who knows? But what is certain April Fool's Day 2009 is the last day I ever lived in absolute and most joyful ignorance.



I've often wondered what it's like........the very moment in someones life........ when they find out they have The Big C, or any potentially terminal illness. For me, a life time lover of music, the sound was most horrific. Strange enough, it's wasn't the actual words, my doctor uttered......"we found a tumor.......and it's cancer" No. These were just words, or rather, very strange sounds bouncing around my Demerol saturated brain. It was the shriek.........God that awful shriek....... coming from my wife's lips that quickly, and most rudely, brought me out of the blessed Demerol Disco, where I had, just moments ago, been the VIP of VIP's. A most sobering sound. For me, the horror show running thru my beautiful brides thoughts were, without a doubt, the worst sound this music lover has ever heard.



The following day The Shriek was back with vengeance!! April 2, 2009 I was told I have colon cancer. Not exactly good news I'm afraid. But friends and family were quick to point out all the great progress that has been made in recent years towards surviving this disease. Great. Fantastic. Only one problem...........



April 3, 2009 I was, most politely, informed that I in fact have rectal cancer not colon cancer. Whats the difference you ask? I've no idea. I'm still trying to cope with the fact that I've been rudely bounced from the Demerol Disco. Being told I have rectal cancer rather than colon cancer is, to me, like asking if I would rather listen to RUSH or TWISTED SISTER! WHO CARES!!! They're both CRAP!! I HATE, LOATH & DESPISE THEM! Give me Paul Weller or The Who. But what I do know is that if I had to pick between colon or rectal I would take the former NOT the later. I've been told that rectal cancer is harder to treat successfully and has more, shall we say, unpleasant side effects that could be life long. So with the news that I might have to spend the rest of my life without my ass.............my wife lets loose with The Shriek, again.



April 4, 2009 I'm left wondering whats in store for me, my beautiful bride of 12 years and our four kinder. I'm sure there will be more joy, sadness, love, hurt, euphoria & pain. It goes without saying really. So I have decided to create this blog. To write about the never ending events and trials my family and I will travel together in the months or years to come. So to my beloved ShellB, Ashy, Tiffany, Brigitte & Bugsy I dedicate the remainder of my Post-Cancer life.